The Humble Assessment Read online

  HUMBLE

  I can imagine.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  That was a sterling effort, it really was. But I think you should feel grateful.

  HUMBLE

  Yeah? Why?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Pause.] Do you see that goldfish bowl there?

  HUMBLE

  Yeah. I see it.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You think it’s empty, right?

  HUMBLE

  I can see that it’s empty.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, you know what we’ve done in the past with these hiring consultations?

  HUMBLE

  I shudder to think.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  We’ve had that bowl filled with live crickets. Quite a lot of them. Shiny black crickets. Very active. Had to have a big cork stopper with breathing holes punched through. It’s not really a goldfish bowl. It was originally a gumball jar. We tried dung beetles, but the crickets were more interesting. Do you know why we had the crickets?

  HUMBLE

  I can’t even begin…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Because we’re a gung-ho company with a sense of play and fun, 16. We’re sponsors! We sponsor a tarantula. How many companies do you know who can say that?

  HUMBLE

  I can’t think of a single—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  The creature came into the country in a shipment of imported furniture. You know…jungle bric-a-brac made in a monsoon sweatshop in some malaria republic where sniveling locals work for peanuts and are damn glad of the chance. It was seized by customs and taken on by the museum. It’s now in quarantine, more or less permanently. It likes crickets. The livelier the better. The museum had the idea of putting a web cam in its enclosure. Do you want to see it? We could check on what it’s up to right now.

  HUMBLE

  You want me to watch a tarantula?

  [Behind HUMBLE, so that he doesn’t notice, but the audience certainly does, a screen illuminates and we see projected a tarantula being fed crickets by hand. It’s only a short video made by a museum, but projected onto the screen it takes on giant, frightening and also curiously hypnotic proportions.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  It’s a rather poignant story of dignity in captivity, which I think you should appreciate.

  HUMBLE

  I don’t want to watch a big hairy spider. I’m applying for—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Aren’t you at least curious about why we filled the bowl with crickets?

  HUMBLE

  Tell me.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  We sponsor the tarantula, so, that gave us a connection with a company that raises the crickets. That’s where I got them.

  HUMBLE

  Yeah…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  And sometimes we videotape these employment sessions.

  HUMBLE

  What?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I got the idea from watching the tarantula. The staff here really enjoy going online at feeding time and seeing how the spider’s doing. It’s a female and we call her Ernestine. It brings people together on Friday afternoons. Better than endless drinks or some inane barbecue, yes? We now sponsor another Cobalt Blue tarantula—and a hognose snake too.

  HUMBLE

  You videotape these private interview sessions? Is that what you just said?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I thought it would be of benefit to staff to provide a sort of spider cam insight into just what people are willing to do to get employed here.

  HUMBLE

  Do you know that’s totally against the law…not to mention…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I got prospective employees—the hopefuls just like yourself—to try their hand at eating live crickets.

  [The image of the tarantula behind HUMBLE fades, and we see a man who looks very much like him, only wearing a different suit, thrusting his hand into the fishbowl, which appears to be filled with what might be crickets. Ravenously, shamelessly, the man stuffs his mouth with the contents.]

  HUMBLE

  That’s the most twisted thing I’ve ever heard.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Really? You’ve been out of the corporate hiring loop for quite some time. You’d be surprised at the alacrity of some of our contestants. I love that word, “alacrity.” Says it all.

  HUMBLE

  You could be sued for that.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  One man in similar dire straits to you holds the record. He gobbled up every last cricket in 16 seconds. 16 seconds flat. Some of the crickets got away—he had to scurry around on the floor to catch them. It was impressive.

  HUMBLE

  Totally…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Pathetic—but impressive. I think the staff enjoyed it. Something of a morale boost to witness the frenzy. And confirmation of course…just how lucky they are to be employed. You’ve probably applied for at least 16 jobs, haven’t you?

  HUMBLE

  You…are…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I’m certain they’ll enjoy your chicken squawk. Let’s move on shall we? [The screen behind goes dark.] Now I don’t want you under any circumstances to think of a hippopotamus. [A hippo illuminates the screen.] Or, I might add…a voluptuous naked woman…oozing sexual appeal…with full, firm breasts and hair you can almost smell. All right? [The hippo dissolves into a naked woman, and then the actress Suzanne Pleshette appears.] Don’t think of Suzanne Pleshette either.

  HUMBLE

  Very funny. [The image and the screen fade into darkness.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  16, I know you think my methods are unorthodox.

  HUMBLE

  Try certifiable.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  One man’s meat. At least I get results. Do you know I’ve reduced restroom time for our call center staff by 43%? A numbers man should welcome that. 43 is a significant number. A 43-year-old woman would be a much younger woman for you, wouldn’t it?

  HUMBLE

  You enjoy baiting people don’t you?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Oblivious.] And I’ve established a very effective oversee system so that non-management staff are continuously monitored to maintain maximum effectiveness and esprit de corps.

  HUMBLE

  [Still more disbelief.] You spy on your staff?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  No more than we keep tabs on the tarantula. We just want to know how many crickets our people are catching—so to speak. As I told you, you’ve been out of the game a long time. Today it’s all about productivity and value. It’s no longer a pat on the back just for showing up.

  HUMBLE

  You can’t spy on people. Your own employees.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, it’s a lot easier than spying on other companies’ employees. But I think we’re having a semantic tug of war. What I’m talking about is discreet observation and rigorous protection of benchmarks. There’s absolutely no reason in the world why Linda Jacobi in Logistics should have more time to sit on the toilet than Marilyn Thoroughgood in Corporate Affairs.

  HUMBLE

  Maybe she needs more time.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Why? Because of diet, stress, tensions at home…drug use, some sort of gynecological malfunction? I think the company has every right to know about such things, because they impact her job performance and her ability to catch crickets. If we’d had as many cameras in operation as I’ve requested, John Cable wouldn’t have sat there in rigor mortis overnight.

  HUMBLE

  You should be reported.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  That’s life in the big city.

  HUMBLE

  You should be taken to court.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  But you still want the job.

  HUMBLE

  The media will hear about this.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Get down of
f your high horse.

  [HUMBLE looks up feebly.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You still want the job.

  HUMBLE

  You don’t actually have cameras in the restrooms? Do you?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Give me your hand.

  HUMBLE

  No.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Give me your hand.

  HUMBLE

  [Almost childishly this time.] No. [From an initial retraction, he at last offers up his hand, as if it’s not really part of his body.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Now, it’s time to get down to brass tacks. And I just happen to have one right here. [The INTERVIEWER produces what we take to be a pin and jabs one of HUMBLE’S fingers.]

  HUMBLE

  OW!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Oh, don’t be such a big baby. Quick, we need to get it fresh. [The INTERVIEWER produces a Kleenex and dabs the finger, smearing the blood. Then holds up the Kleenex.] There! What do you see?

  HUMBLE

  My blood. And a…lunatic.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, we hope it’s your blood. But what do you see in it—the picture that it forms? Haven’t you ever heard of a Rorschach test?

  HUMBLE

  I’m still bleeding.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I don’t doubt that on any level. But what do you see? This is important for your psychological profile.

  HUMBLE

  A butterfly.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Really?

  HUMBLE

  A butterfly of my blood.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  How disappointingly unoriginal.

  HUMBLE

  A sheep’s head then.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You know what that indicates?

  HUMBLE

  All right, I see an ogre eating a flower. Or just a heart. Broken down the middle.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Turn it around…and it looks rather like a lipstick stain on a napkin…or a shirt collar. Doesn’t it?

  HUMBLE

  If you say so.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  May I see your driver’s license?

  HUMBLE

  I don’t have it with me.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Don’t have it with you—or don’t have one?

  HUMBLE

  I don’t have it with me.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Why’s that?

  HUMBLE

  I just forgot. Then when I remembered, it was too late to go back.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You didn’t list a driver’s license number in your application. Are you sure you have one?

  HUMBLE

  Yes, I’m sure.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  But you don’t remember the number?

  HUMBLE

  Who remembers their license number?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  What’s your license plate number?

  HUMBLE

  I don’t currently own a vehicle.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I noticed you didn’t include one in your salary package expectations. Worried about your carbon footprint? Or did you lose your license? Drunk driving? Some regrettable accident?

  HUMBLE

  [Pause.] I just forgot to bring my license.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  How did you get to this interview? Cab? Public transport?

  HUMBLE

  I took the train.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  And maybe a bus too. Why would you think of going back for your driver’s license, if you weren’t going to be driving?

  HUMBLE

  Well, it’s always good to be able to identify yourself.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  To know who you are?

  HUMBLE

  To be able to validate who you are.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  And you forgot your validation. I notice you’re not wearing a watch either.

  HUMBLE

  It’s getting repaired. I left with plenty of time, and there are lots of clocks around in the city.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I’m sure at your stage that’s the way it seems everywhere.

  [A mechanized offstage voice announces: THE NEXT PHASE OF THE EVALUATION IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE. A red light like an ambulance’s comes on and begins spinning.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  That’s my cue. The fur’s going to really fly now. Just kidding. Good luck.

  HUMBLE

  What…?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [She slips out of her chair and saunters over to him, still with her back to us.] Do you like my perfume? I like that aftershave you’re wearing. Has the smell of desperation. [Then she leans into him, pushing her breasts into his face.] Go get ’em big boy.

  [She gives a malicious giggle and goes over to pick up the white umbrella. She twirls it and then clocks off on her high heels into the shadows. The stage goes dark and we hear the Tom Jones version of “Sixteen Tons.”]

  ACT II

  HUMBLE sits just as INTERVIEWER 1 left him, only he is now wearing handcuffs, which he seems to take no notice of.

  From out of the shadows in the corner of the implied room staggers the OPERATIONS MANAGER in white tuxedo and gorilla mask. He seems fixated on a Rubik’s Cube type of mechanical puzzle.

  [The lights come up full and hot.]

  OM

  Say, do you know how to work these things? I’ve been at this damn gimmick for as long as I can remember.

  HUMBLE

  Where did you come from?

  OM

  What?

  HUMBLE

  Have you been here the whole time?

  OM

  What whole time?

  HUMBLE

  My interview.

  OM

  You’ve had an interview?

  HUMBLE

  Were you in here listening?

  OM

  Did she make you eat any crickets?

  HUMBLE

  Were you spying on my interview?

  OM

  I liked your chicken crow in the end.

  HUMBLE

  So, you were spying.

  OM

  Took you a while to get warmed up. But you pulled it off.

  HUMBLE

  Why were you spying on my interview? What gives you the right?

  OM

  Have you ever solved one of these puzzle things? Blasted waste of time if you ask me.

  HUMBLE

  Are you here for an interview?

  OM

  What?

  HUMBLE

  Are you here for an interview?

  OM

  You’re conducting interviews?

  HUMBLE

  No! You just heard me being interviewed—because you were spying.

  OM

  I liked your chicken crow in the end.

  HUMBLE

  Who are you? Why are you here?

  OM

  Took you a while to get warmed up. But you pulled it off.

  HUMBLE

  Are you here for an interview?

  OM

  So you are conducting interviews.

  HUMBLE

  I’m NOT conducting interviews!

  OM

  Then why do you keep asking me if I’m here for an interview?

  HUMBLE

  I’m trying to work out what you’re doing in this room…hiding and spying on my interview session!

  OM

  Can’t you see? I’m trying to work out this damn puzzle. What position are you applying for?

  HUMBLE

  That’s none of your business.

  OM

  How can you be so sure?

  HUMBLE

  Why are you here?

  OM

  Maybe because it’s my business.

  HUMBLE

  So, you’re not applying for the financial controller’s position?

>   OM

  Are you applying for the financial controller’s position?

  HUMBLE

  You heard all of that—because you were spying!

  OM

  I wasn’t really spying. I was trying to work out this stupid cube.

  HUMBLE

  But why were you hiding in here—during my interview? Are you applying for another position?

  OM

  Oh, God no.

  HUMBLE

  Is this another part of the interview process?

  OM

  You’re asking me?

  HUMBLE

  Why don’t you answer?