The Humble Assessment Read online

  OM

  Why do you keep asking me questions and then insisting you’re not conducting an interview?

  HUMBLE

  What position are you applying for?

  OM

  You see?

  HUMBLE

  No, I don’t. I want to know what job you’re applying for.

  OM

  None.

  HUMBLE

  So, you’re one of the interviewers?

  OM

  Well, I suppose I could be. But I’m not. I’m the Operations Manager.

  HUMBLE

  You can’t be.

  OM

  What have you heard? Are they sharpening the knives?

  HUMBLE

  What knives?

  OM

  You’re interviewing again.

  HUMBLE

  I’m just saying it’s unlikely that you’re the Operations Manager.

  OM

  Do you know something I don’t?

  HUMBLE

  Because…well, why are you wearing that ridiculous mask?

  OM

  Didn’t you get the memo?

  HUMBLE

  What memo? Of course I didn’t get any memo. I don’t work here yet. I’ve just come for an interview.

  OM

  For the financial controller’s position. I liked your chicken crow in the end. Took you a while to get warmed up. But you pulled it off.

  HUMBLE

  Why the mask?

  OM

  It’s Funny Friday. We’re all supposed to inject some zaniness into the work place.

  HUMBLE

  It’s not Friday! It’s Monday!

  OM

  It is? Are you sure?

  HUMBLE

  My interview was scheduled for Monday.

  OM

  For the financial controller’s position. I liked your chicken crow in the end. Took you a while to get warmed up. But you pulled it off.

  HUMBLE

  Today is Monday.

  OM

  So, it’s not Friday.

  HUMBLE

  It can’t be Friday if it’s Monday!

  OM

  And you didn’t get the memo.

  HUMBLE

  It’s Monday!

  OM

  I must’ve been fiddling with this cube for longer than I thought.

  HUMBLE

  And that still doesn’t explain why you were in here spying on me and the interview session.

  OM

  Oh, that’s easy.

  HUMBLE

  Yes?

  OM

  What?

  HUMBLE

  What’s the explanation?

  OM

  They’re doing some work in my office. Secretly, I think they’re installing a video camera to keep an eye on me, but the official reason is that they’re doing some maintenance on the air conditioning system. All I know is that there’s a lot of dust.

  HUMBLE

  What does that have to do with the price of fish in England?

  OM

  I’m not sure I follow you.

  HUMBLE

  It’s an expression! What does dust in your office have to do with you being here…spying on me?

  OM

  I can’t very well be in my office if there’s dust everywhere, can I?

  HUMBLE

  So you hid in here?

  OM

  I wasn’t hiding. Well, I didn’t start out hiding. I went for a walk—and I was so caught up with this dumb cube, I didn’t notice where I’d gotten to. Then you came in and I didn’t want to interrupt. I liked your chicken crow in the end. Took you a while to get warmed up. But you pulled it off.

  HUMBLE

  I wish you’d stop reminding me of that. It’s humiliating enough having done it at all.

  OM

  That HR gal’s a hot number. I bet you were thinking of sticking it to her.

  HUMBLE

  I was not!

  OM

  So, what she was saying about the erection problems was right?

  HUMBLE

  NO! And I thought you were playing with your cube.

  OM

  I was mostly. But I heard your chicken crow. Probably everybody on this floor did. Took you a while to get in the groove. But you nailed it finally.

  HUMBLE

  Stop it.

  OM

  Too bad that’s not part of the job description. If it came down to imitating a chicken, you’d ace it.

  HUMBLE

  Shut up!

  OM

  That’s no way to talk to the Operations Manager. I can’t believe it’s not Friday.

  HUMBLE

  It’s not even Thursday!

  OM

  I thought you said it was Monday. Of course it can’t be Thursday. How would that work?

  HUMBLE

  [Makes a move to pull off the gorilla mask.] I want to see what you look like without that cheesy mask on.

  OM

  Now, now. Remember, I’m the Operations Manager. And you have to get ready for the next phase in the interview process.

  HUMBLE

  So, this wasn’t it.

  OM

  Of course not.

  HUMBLE

  How can I be sure?

  OM

  Well, it’s like you telling me this is Monday.

  HUMBLE

  It is Monday!

  OM

  You think it’s Monday because your interview was scheduled for then.

  HUMBLE

  No, damn it! It IS Monday!

  OM

  That still doesn’t mean this is part of the interview. Does it? Just because this is Monday doesn’t make me one of the interviewers. Right?

  HUMBLE

  N-no.

  OM

  Although I think it’s Friday.

  HUMBLE

  IT’S MONDAY!

  OM

  How do you explain my Funny Friday attire?

  HUMBLE

  Because you’re completely cracked! Or a nitwit.

  OM

  How can that be, if I’m the Operations Manager. It’s not likely, is it? Think of the responsibilities. Do you know how big this company is?

  [The OPERATIONS MANAGER heads in the direction of what we take to be the door to the room, even though this is never clearly visualized.]

  OM

  If I were you I’d start worrying about the next phase in the assessment. You’ll have to do a lot more than screech like a chicken.

  [He does an imitation of HUMBLE’S crow and buckles over with laughter.]

  You did really well with that part in the end. If you manage to get hired, people will call you Chicken Man—or maybe Rooster, if you’re lucky.

  HUMBLE

  Go to hell.

  OM

  Before the Cricket Man jumped off the executive parking lot roof, that’s what everyone called him. The Cricket Man. Because he was the one to eat the most crickets ever. I couldn’t tell you what his real name was. He was just the Cricket Man. You’ll be the Chicken Man. That is, if you get the job—which isn’t very likely.

  HUMBLE

  Why not? I’m perfectly well qualified.

  OM

  And you give good chicken. You’re Funny Friday all by yourself.

  HUMBLE

  It’s Monday, you idiot!

  [The OPERATIONS MANAGER disappears into the shadows, as if he has left the room, still chuckling. HUMBLE is left alone, and still seems not to notice that he’s wearing handcuffs. He waits for an uncomfortable amount of time, as a strange noise begins to insinuate itself. It sounds like someone both bumping into and scratching upon a door. At last a figure appears, inching forward, wrapped in tattered and unraveling gauze bandages from head to foot, looking something like a mummy.]

  #4

  Ugh.

  HUMBLE

  [Starts with surprise.] Who are you?

  #4

  [Feeling his way forward, as though co
mpletely blind behind the bandages.] I’m here for an interview. Another assessment.

  HUMBLE

  Are you an interviewer?

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  You’re an applicant.

  #4

  I’m undergoing another assessment. I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  What happened to you? Are you hurt?

  #4

  I’m undergoing another assessment. I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  Did they do this to you?

  #4

  I’m undergoing another assessment. I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  Stop saying that and answer my question.

  #4

  Is this the next part of the interview?

  HUMBLE

  You can’t be sure. Answer my question.

  #4

  I feel like I’ve been skinned alive.

  HUMBLE

  Who did this to you?

  #4

  I think I have been skinned alive.

  HUMBLE

  Don’t be absurd. They wouldn’t go that far.

  #4

  Who?

  HUMBLE

  The interviewers. This whole thing is mad—but they wouldn’t dare physically hurt you. They might try to push you over some personal precipice…but they’re not torturers.

  #4

  Precipice. [He pauses a moment…and then lets out a hideous high-pitched cackle.]

  HUMBLE

  Have you been burned?

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  Tell me what happened?

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  Stop that and tell me what happened.

  #4

  Interview.

  HUMBLE

  Which position are you applying for?

  #4

  Position?

  HUMBLE

  Job. Which job are you going for?

  #4

  Are you the next interviewer?

  HUMBLE

  I’m…an applicant. I’m Humble.

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  No, I mean that’s my name. Humble. Richard Humble. What’s your name? [No reply seems to be forthcoming.] Your name. What’s your name?

  [#4 stands motionless, not responding.]

  HUMBLE

  What’s that sound?

  [#4 stands motionless, not responding.]

  HUMBLE

  Can you hear me? Are you all right? 4?

  [#4 remains motionless, not responding.]

  HUMBLE

  Listen…what’s that noise. Can you hear it? 4? It seems to be coming…from you…from inside the bandages…

  [HUMBLE goes to have a closer inspection of the bandaged man who has stopped dead still…when he suddenly ducks his head as if an angry insect had just buzzed at him. He takes a step nearer and peeks into a rent in the gauze wrappings…and then lets out a gurgle of terrified revulsion.]

  HUMBLE

  My…God…you’re…they’re….

  #4

  I’m…4.

  HUMBLE

  You’re filled…with…you’re crawling…they’re…

  #4

  I’m…4.

  HUMBLE

  You have to get out of here!

  #4

  I’m undergoing another assessment. I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  You have to get out of here right now!

  #4

  I’m undergoing another assessment. I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  The bandages…bees…hornets…

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  You have to go right now! Before they…

  #4

  Are you an interviewer?

  HUMBLE

  …go wild. They’ll swarm…attack!

  #4

  I’m an applicant.

  HUMBLE

  You’re like a giant wasp’s nest.

  #4

  I’m 4.

  HUMBLE

  They’ve turned you into a wasp’s nest!

  #4

  I’m an applicant.

  [HUMBLE ducks and weaves as if more wasps have escaped the bandages. We hear the irritated buzzing sound more loudly.]

  HUMBLE

  I’m sorry…but you’re going to have to leave.

  [#4 seems to tremble all over.]

  HUMBLE

  Get out! Go!

  [We hear the buzzing getting louder.]

  HUMBLE

  Go! Get away! Out of the room! I’m allergic to bee stings. I could die.

  #4

  Is my interview over?

  HUMBLE

  Yes! I’m sorry. Leave now.

  [#4 begins to shake all over as if on the verge of an intense spasm or seizure.]

  HUMBLE

  Go! Leave now!

  [#4’s shaking becomes insane, the bandages tearing and flapping…and then with a banshee-like wail, he races stage left into the shadows and we hear the sound of broken glass, leaving us wondering if he’s leapt out a window or crashed through a door…

  HUMBLE gazes after him in disbelief—and relief.]

  HUMBLE

  [Under his breath.] A beehive…wasp’s nest…

  [He jerks his head as though one of the wasps is still in the room. He picks up the big ledger book and swats at it viciously. At last, he seems to have knocked it out of the air. He squashes it with one of his feet, grinding the shoe in with disturbing relish.]

  ACT III

  INTERVIEWER 2 sits in a wheelchair with his back to us. HUMBLE is no longer wearing handcuffs, but wavers on a kind of dangling seat, which suggests both a kids’ swing set and a canary perch.

  Behind him are arranged three tall ladders, which cast ominous skeletal shadows.

  With the slightly different lighting arrangement, we now see a pattern of hopscotch squares laid out on the floor.

  On the desk is the empty goldfish bowl from before…along with the big ledger pad and the pen in its holder. But there has been added a very large, ornate hourglass and what appears to be a sinister looking welder’s helmet, along with an immensely oversized Erlenmeyer flask, big enough to be a flower vase.

  On the floor beside INTERVIEWER 2’S wheelchair is a shiny black top hat.

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Why do you suppose Sally sells seashells by the seashore?

  HUMBLE

  What?

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Well, isn’t that like selling oil to the Arabs? Ice to the Eskimos? Wouldn’t it make more sense to sell them in the city—or some place away from the seashore?

  HUMBLE

  What’s this about now?

  INTERVIEWER 2

  It’s a basic marketing question, Mr. Bumble.

  HUMBLE

  Humble.

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Bumble, rumble, tumble, mumble, stumble, fumble…I don’t think you’re getting my drift. This company has more than a little to do with marketing questions. Competitive advantages. Unique selling propositions. Supply channels, distribution networks, meeting customer needs.

  HUMBLE

  It doesn’t mean anything.

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Meeting customer needs?

  HUMBLE

  Sally and the seashells. It’s just a tongue tangler. A gimmick. Like—saying “toy boat” fast—or—

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Irish wrist watch? Round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran…how much wood could a woodchuck chuck—that sort of thing?

  HUMBLE

  Yes.

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Um, perhaps. But it’s funny…the things you can say fast…without thinking. And the things you have to think about. Raises some interesting questions about honesty, don’t you agree?

  HUMBLE

  How do you mean?

  INTERVIEWER 2

  Well, on the one h
and, honesty would appear to be what you can say without having to consider and plan. On the other hand, thinking suggests care and involvement with a particular question—or an individual. Not just a glib, automatic, mindless response—but an honest, intelligent assessment. Isn’t that what we’re all hoping for? An honest, thoughtful assessment? Isn’t that what you want?

  HUMBLE

  Y-yes.

  INTERVIEWER 2