The Humble Assessment Read online

  HUMBLE

  Now wait a minute! I’m getting—I just meant I thought you had an opening.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You’re thinking about my openings?

  HUMBLE

  You know what I mean!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  This isn’t a new position we recently created. How do you think it opened? Magically for you because you wished for it? I bet you haven’t even given it a thought.

  HUMBLE

  Well, I just assumed…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  And made an ass of you and me.

  HUMBLE

  How did it open?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Poor Mr. Cable.

  HUMBLE

  Who’s Mr. Cable?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  John Cable. He was the guy who was in the job you’re trying to wheedle your way into.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not trying to weasel my way into anything. I had an appointment.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I said wheedle. Poor John.

  HUMBLE

  What—happened to him?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  A good five years younger than you too.

  HUMBLE

  Did he—die?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Collapsed in the men’s room. In one of the stalls. Sat there on the crapper overnight. How undignified huh? Turning blue and stiff with your pants down at your knees.

  HUMBLE

  That’s…terrible…I had no—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Derek Whiteley had to kick down the stall door when he didn’t answer. A good five years younger than you too.

  HUMBLE

  I…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  The toilet seat came with him when Derek lifted the body off. Isn’t that awful?

  HUMBLE

  I’m sorry…to hear…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You know what was even worse?

  HUMBLE

  I…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  This is really bad. But it’s kind of funny too. [She snorts.] In a sick, tragic way.

  HUMBLE

  I had no…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Poor old John…almost six years younger than you…he had this huge erection. Derek said it looked like he was choking the chihuahua when his heart exploded.

  HUMBLE

  [Shivers.] That’s just…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  A simply giant hard-on—with the toilet seat stuck to his ass—his face all blue. Of course everyone knew he was hung like a donkey, because at the Christmas party last year he flopped it out for everyone to see. Just laid it right down on the table next to the pigs in a blanket. I swear, it was like two Coke cans with a lemon on top. Absolutely disgusting to think of him using that on his wife. It would be like giving birth every time.

  HUMBLE

  I don’t want to hear any more…please…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Of course, I don’t think his wife saw much of it, because he mainly used it on his staff. Liked Hispanic women. Do you like Hispanic women?

  HUMBLE

  No!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You have a problem with Hispanic people? Race issues?

  HUMBLE

  No!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  We employ many Hispanic people, and racial harmony and respect is one of our key corporate values.

  HUMBLE

  I’m just—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Back in the days when you could achieve a passable erection, would you have described yourself as a Shower or a Grower?

  HUMBLE

  Are you kidding—me?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  John Cable was both a Shower and a Grower. Do you know that once the toilet seat—and a fair bit of the skin of his ass was peeled away—they had to stick that big thing down with masking tape? Came up over his belly button.

  HUMBLE

  I…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  So, that’s how the job you’re hustling and groveling for “opened” up.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not groveling!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Have you ever been convicted of a major felony?

  HUMBLE

  No. Of course not.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Ever wished upon a falling star?

  HUMBLE

  What? I explained that I went out on my own, as a consultant—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Yes, but you couldn’t manage your own finances and now you’ve come crawling back to get a regular paycheck. Back to the teat for mother’s milk.

  HUMBLE

  Look that’s not—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Do you know how many times I’ve heard that, 16? More than 16 times I can tell you.

  HUMBLE

  Please stop calling me that. My name is Humble.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I think we’ve established that, 16, and I’ll give you one out of ten on the joke test. But I’ve yet to see any actual humility. Which frankly surprises me. Yet here you sit, privately fawning and squirming, hankering for a lifeline that will help you meet your crushing mortgage payments each month.

  HUMBLE

  I’ve owned my house outright for over five years!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I wager it’s been refinanced and that you have difficulty maintaining an erection. I note that you’re single. The three may be intimately related.

  HUMBLE

  [Quietly.] My wife died three years ago in a car accident.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Utterly unmoved.] So you do have difficulty maintaining an erection?

  HUMBLE

  What? Are you—

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, you’re still single three years later. Connect the dots, 16. Three for three. Everything is related.

  HUMBLE

  Listen, if you’re not going to ask me some relevant questions about my qualifications…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  What’s not relevant about your psychological state, 16? Why should we hire a lonely, possibly impotent, embittered man?

  HUMBLE

  Embittered?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Is that how you’d describe yourself, 16? Now we’re getting somewhere.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not embittered.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, that’s to your credit, given the erection difficulties.

  HUMBLE

  [Shouts.] I don’t have a problem with my erections! I’m seeing someone.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  A psychiatrist?

  HUMBLE

  A woman! I’m seeing a woman!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Seeing? As in watching? Are you a peeping tom? A stalker?

  HUMBLE

  NO! I have a girlfriend, thank you. She’s just…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Just what?

  HUMBLE

  She’s married. All right.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  So, you’d break up another man’s home to fuel your ravenous middle-aged lust. Typical. See what I mean about the buffet line?

  HUMBLE

  This is what’s insane!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  What’s insane, 16? Your hope of ever getting employed again?

  HUMBLE

  No! This! This farce of an interview. It’s a joke.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You didn’t do well on the joke test, 16. Are you pleading for another chance?

  HUMBLE

  I’m not pleading for anything!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  So you don’t want the job?

  HUMBLE

  Look, are you on some kind of medication?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Tell me what you know about medication, 16.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not on any medication.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I
doubt that seriously, 16. A man your age.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not under any obligation to tell you something like that. It’s illegal to ask.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from the holder and writes in ledger.] Difficult, uncommunicative…suspicious verging on paranoid…[Replaces pen.]

  HUMBLE

  I’m leaving.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Like you did your last job. [Takes pen from the holder and writes in ledger.] No commitment, lack of focus. First man in the lifeboat. [Replaces pen.]

  HUMBLE

  [Open-mouthed with disbelief.] Are you completely crazy?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  What does crazy mean to you, 16?

  HUMBLE

  This!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You think this company is crazy? You want to work for a company that’s crazy? That doesn’t seem very sensible, does it?

  HUMBLE

  No, it doesn’t. I’ve changed my mind.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  So, I can scratch you off the list?

  HUMBLE

  Yes, you can. I wouldn’t work for this stupid company if you paid me.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, that was the general idea. We were actually thinking of paying you 15% more than what you indicated, with a bonus package for targets met.

  HUMBLE

  You…were? You mean…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Yes. But I understand your point of view. Thank you for stopping by.

  HUMBLE

  That’s it? [Starts to rise.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  That’s what?

  HUMBLE

  I don’t get the job? [Sits down again.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You said you didn’t want the job. [Takes pen from the holder and writes in ledger.] Wishy-washy, unable to make clear-cut decisions.

  HUMBLE

  I didn’t know I had the job!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Replaces pen.] What did you hope to accomplish in this interview?

  HUMBLE

  I…uh…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from the holder and writes in ledger.] Unable to form definite goals, easily distracted, combative.

  HUMBLE

  I’m not combative!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Listen 16—

  HUMBLE

  Humble! My name is Humble!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  And I’m sorry about that, but I think we’re done here. [Replaces pen.]

  HUMBLE

  But I had the job!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You did once have a job, yes. I read that.

  HUMBLE

  No! This job.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  My job? You’re back to wanting my job?

  HUMBLE

  I’m talking about the controller position.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from holder and writes in ledger.] Continuously seeks a control position.

  HUMBLE

  I don’t want control!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Unable to take responsibility.

  HUMBLE

  I just want a job!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  I see. So you have been pleading and begging the whole time? [Replaces pen.]

  HUMBLE

  I…yeah…jeez, whatever you say.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Well, then. What would you do to get this job? You’ve asked me to wipe you off the list, to take you out of the running—and now you want to be reinstated. Just like that. Snap! To be back in the competition. To have a chance. What would you do for me to give you that chance?

  HUMBLE

  What do you mean?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from holder and writes in ledger.] Slow comprehension, overly cautious.

  HUMBLE

  What do you mean? I thought I had the job?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You did once have a job, apparently. But what would you do for this one? [Replaces pen.]

  HUMBLE

  I don’t understand.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Do you have a hearing impairment, 16? You should’ve advised us in your letter of application.

  HUMBLE

  I don’t have a hearing problem!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  What?

  HUMBLE

  I don’t have a hearing problem!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from holder and writes in ledger.] Severe mood swings. Anger management issues.

  HUMBLE

  I just don’t understand is all! What do you mean, what would I do for the job?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Replaces pen.] Well, for instance…would you…stand on that chair and crow like a chicken?

  HUMBLE

  What?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  It’s standard procedure for executive hiring in Japan.

  HUMBLE

  You want me to stand on this chair…and…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Would you prefer to stand on the desk?

  HUMBLE

  You want me to crow…like a chicken?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Are you questioning proven Japanese management methods?

  HUMBLE

  You seriously want me to stand on this chair and crow like a chicken?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You can crow as seriously as you like. Or, you could be exuberant and proud. Pleased to be employed again. Safely reconnected to a vitalizing income stream and validated as a virile man in society once more. No more depressive naps in the afternoon. No more nips at 11 AM. No more melancholy walks in the park, wondering where it all went wrong.

  HUMBLE

  [Shrugs in disbelief.] Where it all went wrong…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Think of the relief in knowing.

  HUMBLE

  [Leaning forward across the desk.] Listen, I don’t take naps. I don’t drink before 5 PM ever and I don’t take walks!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  How much do you drink after 5?

  HUMBLE

  What?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  You know you should walk for at least 20 minutes every day. That was the problem with the man who keeled over in that very chair. You should’ve heard the sound he made when his head hit the desk.

  HUMBLE

  You want me to crow like a chicken…

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Do you want to crow like a chicken?

  HUMBLE

  If that’s what it will take, I’ll do it. [He slowly climbs on top of the chair and after a moment’s hesitation gives a ludicrous but anemic crow.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Is that the best you can do? Seriously?

  [HUMBLE crows again more forcefully, while flapping his arms.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Bravo. And I especially applaud the self-styled choreography. But frankly, that still sounded more like a hen being molested by a rooster—which brings us back to the erectile issue.

  HUMBLE

  I DON’T have a problem with my erections!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Cheering.] That’s the spirit! That’s the therapy of positive thinking! Conquer your weaknesses.

  HUMBLE

  I don’t have a problem getting it up, all right?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  So you keep saying.

  HUMBLE

  You want me to crow louder? Is that it?

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Do you want to crow louder?

  HUMBLE

  [He lets loose with a very loud screeching crow.] EEEEE—AHHH—EEEYYYY!

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Pause.] My word. Now that was something. You really made a cock of yourself that time, Dick.

  HUMBLE

  Richard.

  INTERVIEWER 1

  16.

  HUMBLE

  Humble! My na
me is Humble! [Tries to step off the chair and falls.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  [Takes pen from holder and writes in ledger.] Self-esteem issues, takes himself very seriously.

  HUMBLE

  Goddamn it! [Regains his chair.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  Manic tendencies.

  [HUMBLE slams his hand down on the desk.]

  INTERVIEWER 1

  There! That’s what the man who had the brain hemorrhage sounded like when his head hit the desk! That’s almost exactly what it sounded like. Do you know they later found out he was bleeding from one ear. Imagine it. Not a nosebleed, an earbleed. [Replaces pen.]