The Humble Assessment Page 5
I understand that you took the train in today. You’re committed to conserving our petroleum resources. Do you take the train regularly?
HUMBLE
A bit.
INTERVIEWER 2
Do you recall the fairly large downtown train wreck we had three years ago?
HUMBLE
Of course.
INTERVIEWER 2
Are you aware that when all the debris was cleared away, all the bodies tallied and the survivors looked after, there were ten people unaccounted for? You know what happened to those ten people?
HUMBLE
The Bermuda Triangle?
INTERVIEWER 2
Not far wrong in one sense. Ten people unknown to each other all decided that the train wreck and the resulting confusion gave them an opportunity to step out of their old lives and to disappear. Don’t you find that remarkable?
HUMBLE
Well…
INTERVIEWER 2
Ten people mind you, not one or two. Ten strangers all got the same idea at the same time. And what a peculiar idea…to simply vaporize into the chaos…leave everything behind and begin again.
HUMBLE
Maybe they were just…
INTERVIEWER 2
What? In trouble? Bored? Leaving your old life behind isn’t something you do lightly, is it? You have to wonder, were they planning to make a break and just waiting for the right opportunity. Did they have new lives—or double lives—already in place? Or was it some spur of the moment thing?
HUMBLE
Why are you telling me all this?
INTERVIEWER 2
I’m interested in what your thoughts are on the matter. The company is interested. You seem to think gaining employment here is merely a matter of qualifications and experience, which are a dime a dozen—things you’ve listed on a piece of paper. That’s all very old school. Not to mention the fact that things that should be on that piece of paper can be expunged or conveniently left off. Progressive enterprises today are concerned about the actual quality of thinking of their people. So, what’s your theory?
HUMBLE
I really don’t know. I doubt ten people who don’t know each other would all have the same reason.
INTERVIEWER 2
Correct. Or so it would seem. Since the accident, what’s come to light is the following. One man had been drinking heavily and seems to have just wandered off in a daze. He was found in a men’s shelter two months later, suffering from short-term memory loss. Two others, a man and a woman, no connection, were months later tracked down by private investigators hired by family or friends. They could offer no concrete reason for their actions. They simply wanted to leave their old selves behind. Had they premeditated the act and made arrangements, they might’ve pulled it off. Two others, both male, were only recently apprehended by criminal authorities. It’s clear they both had good reason to want to get away and were on the verge of doing so, whether the train had smashed or not. The remaining five are mysteriously still at large—and appear to have disappeared as completely as anyone can. [Pause.] Tell me, if you were going to escape your life, how would you do it? Where would you go?
HUMBLE
I haven’t given that…much consideration. Who says I want to escape my life?
INTERVIEWER 2
Everyone wants to escape from something. [Pats the arms of the wheelchair.] Do you see those hopscotch squares on the floor? Would you be so good as to hop through them in the traditional way? You can choose which leg you favor.
HUMBLE
[With scathing disdain.] I thought you were interested in the quality of my thinking.
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh, we are, we are. We’re also interested in your work ethic and ability to follow guidelines—and your spirit of play—to find meaning in what others might miss. Isn’t that what numbers men do? They find significance in small amounts and little details. That’s the principle that many of the most successful white-collar thieves practice. Big amounts raise eyebrows…but small amounts over time…
HUMBLE
What are you inferring?
INTERVIEWER 2
You mean implying. You were inferring. I wasn’t implying anything. There’s also the basic matter of coordination, balance and general fitness. The company offers a generous and comprehensive medical plan…as you can see. But we like to know at the outset a few things. I’m sure the urine test won’t bother you either.
HUMBLE
Urine?
INTERVIEWER 2
Many companies now are requiring DNA, fingerprints and intensive diagnostic testing. Haven’t you been keeping up to date? Perhaps because you were in business for yourself, you were able to scoot around best practice standards.
HUMBLE
I didn’t scoot around anything.
INTERVIEWER 2
Well, you didn’t keep in touch with the requirements your clients were forced to meet.
HUMBLE
I was busy watching their money.
INTERVIEWER 2
Indeed. Now hop along please.
[HUMBLE reluctantly hops through the squares.]
INTERVIEWER 2
And back.
[HUMBLE hops back.]
INTERVIEWER 2
Fine. Here’s the urine sample jar. [Hands him the Erlenmeyer flask.]
HUMBLE
You want me—you want me to piss right here?
INTERVIEWER 2
You can turn around if you like.
HUMBLE
You can’t be…
INTERVIEWER 2
The faster you work with us, the sooner you may work for us.
[HUMBLE shuffles off to a dark corner and turns his back. We hear fluid tinkle in the container. When he turns back and returns it to the desk, the amount of course looks very small given the size of the flask.]
INTERVIEWER 2
Now we’re going to do a simple verbal association test. You know how these work right? I say a word and then you tell me the first thing that pops into your mind. Try to keep your answers to one word. No thinking about it, no muddling it over. It’s just what occurs to you, OK? Are you ready?
HUMBLE
Why not?
INTERVIEWER 2
Flee.
HUMBLE
Do you mean the insect, or to…?
INTERVIEWER 2
To what?
HUMBLE
Well, if you mean the insect, I’d say circus. If you mean the…
INTERVIEWER 2
Verb?
HUMBLE
I’d say run.
INTERVIEWER 2
Let’s start again. Fly.
HUMBLE
You mean the insect or to…
INTERVIEWER 2
[Takes pens from holder and writes in ledger.] Often thinks of insects.
HUMBLE
I just mean if it was a housefly I’d say swatter. And if it was like to fly, I’d say airplane.
INTERVIEWER 2
Let’s start yet again. [Replaces pen.] Humble. [HUMBLE doesn’t respond.] “Humble” is the word.
HUMBLE
Pie.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pie. “Pie.”
HUMBLE
Slice.
INTERVIEWER 2
Hammer.
HUMBLE
Nail.
INTERVIEWER 2
Very good. I think you’re getting the hang of it. Let’s see if we can pick up the pace, shall we? Nail.
HUMBLE
Hammer…
INTERVIEWER 2
Coffin.
HUMBLE
Nail.
INTERVIEWER 2
Beautiful.
HUMBLE
Lovely.
INTERVIEWER 2
Wretched.
HUMBLE
Poor.
INTERVIEWER 2
Lucky.
HUMBLE
Rich.
INTERVIEWER 2
Cushion.
HUMBLE
Pin.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pin.
HUMBLE
Needle.
INTERVIEWER 2
Fist.
HUMBLE
Glove.
INTERVIEWER 2
Water.
HUMBLE
Wine.
INTERVIEWER 2
Peach.
HUMBLE
Fuzz.
INTERVIEWER 2
Candy.
HUMBLE
Cotton.
INTERVIEWER 2
Sweet.
HUMBLE
Tooth.
INTERVIEWER 2
Snowman.
HUMBLE
Carrot.
INTERVIEWER 2
Interesting…Fortune.
HUMBLE
Cookie.
INTERVIEWER 2
Blank.
HUMBLE
Page.
INTERVIEWER 2
Monkey.
HUMBLE
Wrench.
INTERVIEWER 2
Banana.
HUMBLE
Monkey.
INTERVIEWER 2
Soldier.
HUMBLE
Army.
INTERVIEWER 2
Cream.
HUMBLE
Corn.
INTERVIEWER 2
Liar.
HUMBLE
Fire.
INTERVIEWER 2
Bent.
HUMBLE
Crooked.
INTERVIEWER 2
Wind.
HUMBLE
Leaves.
INTERVIEWER 2
Sharp.
HUMBLE
Pain.
INTERVIEWER 2
Window.
HUMBLE
Curtain.
INTERVIEWER 2
Dog.
HUMBLE
Bone.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pregnant.
HUMBLE
Pause.
INTERVIEWER 2
[Pauses.] Lemon.
HUMBLE
Lime.
INTERVIEWER 2
Store.
HUMBLE
Save.
INTERVIEWER 2
That’s optimistic.
HUMBLE
Store in a cool dry place.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pinch.
HUMBLE
Salt.
INTERVIEWER 2
Clam.
HUMBLE
Chowder.
INTERVIEWER 2
Victim.
HUMBLE
Crime.
INTERVIEWER 2
Wash.
HUMBLE
Hands.
INTERVIEWER 2
Fun.
HUMBLE
Game.
INTERVIEWER 2
Game.
HUMBLE
Sport.
INTERVIEWER 2
Sport.
HUMBLE
Hunting.
INTERVIEWER 2
Wagon.
HUMBLE
Rut.
INTERVIEWER 2
Trapeze.
HUMBLE
Net.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pigeon.
HUMBLE
Hole.
INTERVIEWER 2
Mouse.
HUMBLE
Trap.
INTERVIEWER 2
Pickle.
HUMBLE
Baseball.
INTERVIEWER 2
Baseball?
HUMBLE
I coached Little League once.
INTERVIEWER 2
Final one—Hasenpfeffer.
HUMBLE
Bugs.
INTERVIEWER 2
Back to insects?
HUMBLE
Bugs Bunny. I don’t know what hasenpfeffer is. Some kind of rabbit stew. It was in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
INTERVIEWER 2
Really…
HUMBLE
Yosemite Sam was in it.
INTERVIEWER 2
Do you find that strange?
HUMBLE
What?
INTERVIEWER 2
That you’d remember a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
HUMBLE
No.
INTERVIEWER 2
You don’t find that at all odd that a man your age applying for a position like this would recall a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
HUMBLE
I didn’t think about it. It just came to me. Isn’t that the point?
INTERVIEWER 2
The point?
HUMBLE
Actually, I think that was a cartoon too. Harry Nilsson wrote the music.
INTERVIEWER 2
Tell me about Harry Nilsson.
HUMBLE
He’s dead. He did a song called “All By Myself.”
INTERVIEWER 2
Do you often feel that way?
HUMBLE
Dead?
INTERVIEWER 2
All by yourself.
HUMBLE
No more than most.
INTERVIEWER 2
You’re sure of that?
HUMBLE
I haven’t really thought about it. How would you know what others feel?
INTERVIEWER 2
Indeed. Indeed. [Takes pen from holder.]
HUMBLE
What are you writing now?
INTERVIEWER 2
Just another note for your file. [Replaces pen.] Shall we try some general knowledge questions? [Reaches down and pulls what appears to be a playing card from the top hat.]
Who said, “If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen?”
HUMBLE
Harry Truman.
INTERVIEWER 2
[He flings the card away and pulls another from the hat.] What’s the speed of light?
HUMBLE
I’ve forgotten. I know it takes light from the sun about eight minutes or so to reach us, and the sun’s 93 million miles away. So, like about 180,000 miles or more per second.
INTERVIEWER 2
186,000. Not bad. [Tosses card and pulls another one from the hat.] Where would you expect to find a wildebeest?
HUMBLE
On television.
INTERVIEWER 2
Clever. [Pulls another card from the hat.] Which freezes faster, tap water or boiling water?
HUMBLE
Boiling water. It has to do with the molecules moving around. I read that.
INTERVIEWER 2
How many legs are there on an elephant?
HUMBLE
A normal elephant?
INTERVIEWER 2
Yes, for the purposes of this discussion, let’s grant that the elephant is healthy and normal in every way. In other words, it’s not a mutation or hasn’t been mutilated in some horrific tragedy.
HUMBLE
Four.
INTERVIEWER 2
How many legs on a spider?
HUMBLE
Like your tarantula? Eight.
INTERVIEWER 2
How many sides to a circle?
HUMBLE
Two. Inside and out.
INTERVIEWER 2
Is there a relationship between 2, 4 and 8?
HUMBLE
Four and eight are multiples of 2. 2 squared is 4, 2 cubed is 8.
INTERVIEWER 2
Numbers man. If two cars are coming towards each other at 60 miles per hour and have a head-on collision, what’s the level of impact.
HUMBLE
[His voice drops.] A hundred and twenty miles per hour.
INTERVIEWER 2
Numbers man. And if one car is going 85 miles per hour?
HUMBLE
One hundred and forty five miles…per hour.
INTERVIEWER 2
What’s your favorite girl’s name?
HUMBLE
That doesn�
�t seem like a general knowledge question.
INTERVIEWER 2
Humor me.
HUMBLE
I don’t have one.
INTERVIEWER 2
Elizabeth? Diane. Emily. Sarah?
HUMBLE
I don’t have one.
INTERVIEWER 2
Tell me about your childhood. You had one of those, right?
HUMBLE